A Whirlwind of a Year

I've been feeling fairly nostalgic all day today.  Maybe it's because I'm still having trouble adjusting to our new life in New Jersey, or maybe it's because I had an interview today as social worker who has their Master's degree (still blows my mind).  Whatever the reason, nostalgia, and a hint of sadness, crept up on me today. This past year has been a complete and total whirlwind, but it was one of the most transformative years of my life, thus far. 

At this time last year, I was in my second week of my advanced standing Masters of Social Work program at East Carolina University (Go Pirates!).  I was new to North Carolina--overwhelmed and constantly hot thanks to the humidity.  I was also alone, because J was still deployed.  Moving to a new area where I didn't know a soul was equally terrifying and freeing.  I was incredibly lonely and I longed for J, or to binge watch Gilmore Girls with my old college roommates.  I felt out of place and like an outsider. 

But at the same time, I was on an adventure.  In order to fill the silence, I would go for drives around the new town I was living in--I would just drive and drive, and make whatever turns I wanted to make.  I would wake up, step outside on my balcony, and think to myself, "I can't believe I'm waking up in North Carolina!"  I felt free--free to live a new life, free to explore, and free to create a new purpose for myself.  It was exciting. 

Yet, at the same time, I was sad.  Being in North Carolina constantly reminded me of J.  I was longing for him to be home, to be with me, to be safe.  Being there without him didn't feel quite right.  At the time, I felt like I was losing my mind.  We were entering the 10th month of his deployment, with still no homecoming date in sight (shortly after, we were given a date!).  I thought I was miserable there without him.  But now, looking back, I realize how much I thrived and grew.  Moving there alone forced me to be incredibly independent.  It forced me to step out of my comfort zone and create a family of my own--people who I now miss dearly. 

At the time, I felt like I was in hell. I was drowning in an advanced standing graduate program, alone.  But looking back,  I realize that I owe the person who I am today to that year.  I thrived there, was happy there (when J came home from deployment, especially), and grew into my own person there.  It is a year I will always look back on fondly.  I may be so bold to say that it was the best year of my life, thus far.

So, today, I was missing that year dearly. I even, surprisingly, miss the days spent in the classroom all day in the hot, humid North Carolina summer.  I will forever be grateful, and treasure, such a transformative time of my life. 

Remember when we thought we couldn't?

This is for all the ladies out there who have waited behind while the person they love shipped out overseas for what seemed like endless months.

Remember when we had those moments where we just thought we couldn’t do it anymore?

I do.

I remember when his deployment got extended an extra 6 months (total of 1 year) and I got in bed and cried every single day for a week straight and contemplated on how in the world I was going to be able to go an extra 6 months without him.

I remember when I was at my internship and I got an email from the FRO saying, “If you’re receiving this email, then that means your Marine is coming home next week!” I remember making phone calls to my supervisor and boss immediately to take off that week from my internship and work.  I also remember when not even 24 hours later, the FRO emailed us back saying, “I’m so sorry but please disregard that email. They won’t be home until August.” I remember ignoring every person I was with and walking straight into my bedroom, shutting my door, and bursting into the ugliest cry I think I’ve ever had (that type of stuff messes with your head, man.)

I remember being at my college graduation and emailing him during my ceremony because he was the person who I really wanted to be there.

I remember making the move to North Carolina and feeling extremely alone and nervous.

I remember him telling me that the word is that they’ll be coming home in June. I was so angry that he had put an earlier date in my head because of everything that happened in the past few months. I didn’t want to be thinking about June. I didn’t want any part of me to get my hopes up. Hope for the best, expect the worst.

I remember it being mid-June and still not getting a date for his homecoming (at this point, we were in the tenth month of his deployment). I remember sitting on the balcony of my third floor apartment and crying on the phone to my friend saying, “I am so terrified that July will creep up and he will still be overseas.  I can’t feel that heartbreak and disappointment again. HE can’t feel that heartbreak and disappointment again. I’m terrified we’ll have to feel that again."

When a person you love is deployed, your emotions will be played with. There is so much worrying, longing, and fearing for their safety that will take place.  When J’s deployment got extended, those emotions went into overdrive. I was not myself. I knew it and my friends knew it. Honestly, I don’t think I went back to being myself until the love of my life was back in my arms after a 305 day deployment (yep, most people who have a love one deployed will probably be able to tell you exactly how many days they’ve been gone).

So…despite all of those times that I felt like I couldn’t do it or that I couldn’t make it, I DID make it. I was proud of J, proud of myself, and proud of us as a couple that we made it through the most challenging time of both of our lives. We didn’t just make it, we grew and we thrived from it. Our love grew immensely stronger, our support for one another magnified. We, as a couple, came out stronger.  We, as individuals, came out stronger.

So…to all of you who are waiting at home for the man or woman you love, this is someone who has been through it telling you that you WILL make it! It’s okay to have those feelings of not being able to make it. It’s okay to have those days where you lay in bed all day and cry. It’s okay to have those nights where you spray his cologne on his pillow and listen to the saved voicemails you have from so you can hear it’s voice (I probably did this last one way too often, woops).  Don’t feel like you have to be strong ALL THE TIME. It’s okay to have your sad days, your mad days, and your hopeless days. Just make sure those days don’t turn into EVERY day. I promise that you can do this.

Don’t lose hope, keep hanging in there, support your loved one overseas, and keep kicking ass! Deployment will end. It always does. It is NOT forever, only temporary.

So, what now?

Right now, I am in the midst of one of the biggest transitions of my life thus far.  I am experiencing a lot of change (which I'm not generally too keen of).  This change, though, is different.  This change is messing with my sense of identity.  I have been a student of social work for the last 5 years (4 years of undergrad, 1 year of grad school).  As happy as I am to no longer be a student (and seeking employment!), I was comfortable in the role of a student.  I was good at that role.

On top of my role change, my wonderful man (who we'll call "J") and I left the state of North Carolina and moved back to our home state of New Jersey.  When I first moved to North Carolina, I was not impressed...at all.  The bugs were unnaturally huge, the humidity was insane, and the rain was unlike any rain I have ever experienced before.  Also, I moved there alone, while J was deployed overseas.  So, on top of being in an entirely new place, I was also incredibly lonely and ready to lose my mind after nearly 9 months of deployment.  Long story short,  I welcomed J home (best day EVER!) about a month after I moved to North Carolina (10 long months of deployment over!) and ended up loving my new home.  I created my own little family there, between my MSW girls and my Marine Corps family.  I became a part of something wonderful and loved being a member of that group.  I felt comfortable, loved, and taken care of.  I was happy.

Now, J and I were both very aware of his contract in the Marine Corps ending right around the time I would be graduating with my Master's of Social Work.  For the past 4.5 years, I always thought that I would be thrilled when J's contract ended.  Now, however, as it is ending, I am incredibly emotional about it.  I used to view the Marine Corps as something that kept J away from, due to years of a long distance relationship, deployment trainings, DETs, and deployments.  However, when I moved to North Carolina and was immersed in the Marine Corps lifestyle, I began to see all of the good things about it, and I grew to love it.  Now, J is on terminal leave and in the process of transitioning back into civilian life, and I am grieving the loss of my life in North Carolina.  I never expected I would miss this lifestyle so much, but now that the time to leave it is here, I miss it terribly. 

That is a lot of change, all happening at one time.  J's leaving the Marine Corps, I am no longer a student, and we are back in our home state, which doesn't quite feel so much like home anymore.  I have had my fair share of breakdowns and spouts of, "Lets go back!". However,  I am also starting (slowly, but surely) to embrace this new life.  J will be starting school in September (thanks to the G.I. Bill!) and I am job hunting like crazy (I've had 2 interviews so far that I feel good about)!  Instead of being miserable, I am making a conscious effort to be positive about this life transition.  Some days are harder than others, but I keep telling myself that a few months from now, I will most likely be thrilled about this new adventure we are on.  And most importantly, J and I are in this together.  As long as we've got each other, we'll be happy.

Have any of you experienced big life changes? What did you do to cope?

Welcome!

Hey there!

I'm so glad that you stumbled across my blog!  I'm new to blogging, but excited about it! I love to write--it allows to me to process (that's the social worker in me coming out already, yikes!) whatever is going on in my life.  Right now, my life is in a huge transition period, which freaks me out (I'm not the biggest fan of change, although I have seen and experienced plenty of it).  I decided to start this blog in order to help me get through this transition period, as well as help others who may be in a similar position as me.  Reading blogs has always helped me feel connected and not so crazy, specifically in regards to military life.  Because of that, I felt led to create a blog that can hopefully be that same sense of support to others. 

Feel free to comment, contact me, or whatever! I hope you enjoy this blog and that you share it with others who you believe would enjoy it!